


Wonderland

by SkinnyPlease



Category: Phandom
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Song fic, Wonderland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-06 22:30:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3150692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkinnyPlease/pseuds/SkinnyPlease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dan?" Phil asks. </p>
<p>Sunlight flits through their bedroom window, warming the bed where it’s beams hit. Their hands are interlocked, bodies intertwined. </p>
<p>Brown eyes meet blue ones.</p>
<p>"Yeah, Phil?" </p>
<p>"Just wondering, if we’re, um, if we’re a couple or not." There’s a twinge of insecurity laying underneath the question.</p>
<p>The brunette smiles softly, leaning over to kiss Phil.</p>
<p>"Of course we are."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wonderland

**Author's Note:**

> Song Fic based on Taylor Swift's 'Wonderland'

"Dan?" Phil asks. 

Sunlight flits through their bedroom window, warming the bed where it’s beams hit. Their hands are interlocked, bodies intertwined. 

Brown eyes meet blue ones.

"Yeah, Phil?" 

"Just wondering, if we’re, um, if we’re a couple or not." There’s a twinge of insecurity laying underneath the question." 

The brunette smiles softly, leaning over to kiss Phil.

"Of course we are."

_~_

_Flashing lights and we_

_Took a wrong turn and we_

_Fell down a rabbit hole_

_~_

"Phil, are you okay?" Dan shouts over the music. 

They meet eyes and an unspoken message is sent with a simple turn of the head. 

Dan leads Phil away, hands pressed to Phil’s back as they make their way back to their flat.

The taxi ride home is silent as Phil grips Dan’s hand tightly.

"What’s up, Phil?" Dan asks softly, hugging Phil close as they stumble into their flat.

Phil takes a shaky breath, “The lights, and the noise, and just, Dan, there were so many people. Too much flashing, too many lights, I just I can’t, I can’t, I can’t-“ 

Dan kisses him softly and slowly, tucking Phil into him like maybe Dan can become a blanket and protect Phil from the world, at least for a little while. 

"You’re okay, Phil, everything’s okay now, I’ve got you." 

_~_

_You held on tight to me_

_'Cause nothing's as it seems_

_I’m spinning out of control._

_~_

The first time Dan wakes up to an empty bed is when he hears smashing. He scrambles up, long legs running out of the room. 

"PHIL?" He bellows.

He finds Phil in the kitchen, silver ware scattered everywhere, a few bowls are smashed and in the middle of it all lies Phil, whose never seemed so small. 

Phil is scrunched into a ball, head on knees, arms wrapped around himself like he might explode if he lets himself unravel.

"Oh my god." Is muttered before the brunette is tiptoeing through the mess. 

"Oh, Phil," Dan says

Phil’s head peeks up, red rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks becoming visible. 

"I’m sorry." He says. 

Phil’s usual large and loud voice comes out sounding utterly broken and tiny. Dan doesn’t know what to do, so he just curls up next to his boyfriend, letting Phil’s head drop on his shoulder. 

They don’t talk about this incident, even they both know Phil’s getting worse. 

~

_Didn’t they tell us don’t rush into things?_

_Didn’t you flash your ~~green~~  blue eyes at me? _

_Haven’t you heard what becomes of curious minds?_

~

Chris pulls Dan into the kitchen during a party, “Hey man, can I talk to you about something?” 

“‘Course, what’s up, Chris?” 

Chris peeks around the room, as if someone might be eavesdropping before talking, “Don’t you think that, well, that you and Phil might be moving a bit fast?”

Dan’s eyes go wide, “What?” 

He didn’t expect this from Chris.

"Well, you guys knew each other for, like, a month and then he moved in, and, don’t get me wrong, Phil’s a great guy, be he has a habit of running when he gets scared and what if," Chris pauses, biting his lip, "I just don’t want to see you get hurt, Dan, that’s all." 

"Phil wouldn’t leave me, Chris," Dan says icily, the warmth that usually flows between them is gone. 

Chris sighs, “I know, it’s just-“

"If you know, then this conversation is over." Dan closes off, storming from the kitchen, angry and confused but mostly upset that Chris could even think that Phil would leave. 

Phil would never leave Dan. 

Would he? 

~

_Didn’t it all seem new and exciting?_

_I felt your arms twisting ‘round me_

_I should have slept with one eye open at night._

~

Dan comes to realization that Phil sneaks out for walks at night when he wakes up at three in morning and Phil’s disappeared. 

Chris’s underlying accusation comes back to him and he is more awake then he has been in a while. Dan gropes for his phone in the dark, calling Phil hurriedly. 

"Come on, pick up, pick up." Dan chants quietly to himself as it rings 

"Hello?" Phil’s voice comes through the phone like some sort of miracle a few seconds later. 

"Phil! Where are you?" Dan exclaims 

"Oh, shit, sorry, I’ve, um, been going for walks at night, it, um, it helps. Sorry, guess I should have left a note or something." He finishes lamely

Phil sounds so tired, but if it clears his head, Dan won’t mention it. 

"Oh, okay, well, uh, hurry back." 

"Okay, will do. Go back to sleep, I’ll come home soon." 

Then Phil hangs up. 

Dan hears the door open a half and hour later. He feel the dip of the mattress as Phil slides in, wrapping his arms securely around Dan’s waist. 

Dan feels at home. 

~

_We found wonderland_

_You and I got lost in it_

_And we pretended it could last forever_

_We found wonderland_

_You and I got lost in it_

_And life was never worse but never better_

~

"Hey, Phil?" 

It’s too warm in this room, like it always is in summer, but next to Phil anything can feel right. Dan remarks he might be in too deep to get out of love these days. Their arms are touching, sides pressed up against each other like puzzle pieces.

Phil looks up from his phone, ”Yeah?” 

"Are we going to be together forever?" 

They meet each other’s eyes, a smirk comes onto Phil’s face. He kisses Dan on the forehead.

"Of course we are." 

~

_So we went on our way_

_Too in love to think straight_

_All alone or all it seemed_

~

Phil vomits blood onto the kitchen counter when Dan’s making dinner. The pan carrying marinated lemon chicken drops and clatters on to the floor as Phil collapses. 

An ambulance comes and Dan feels like he can’t breath. He has his first panic attack in the car when tailing the ambulance and has to pull over because the road is becoming blurry as his body shakes. 

He realizes now the need for Phil’s three am walks and the reason he smashed their dishes and he wonders how often Phil has felt like this, too small and overloaded, body running on anxiety, feeding off the fear that something has just been lost forever. 

~

_But there were strangers watching_

_And whispers turned to talking_

_And talking turned to screams_

~

"Hey there, sleepy head." Dan whispers to Phil, giving him a light kiss on the forehead. 

"Hey," Phil replies

Dan’s trying to ignore the fact that Phil has stage one stomach cancer, that Phil might die, how Phil has _cancer_ , and how, wow, Dan’s not sure-he just- it’s just…Dan can’t lose him. 

He’s fallen into Phil, they’ve fallen into life together, built something that nothing short of enchanting. Without Phil, Dan’s world feels colorless and bland.

"Have you asked for the money for your surgery yet?" Dan asks

Phil turns away, “I told you I don’t want to ask my parents for money.”

"Phil, you know you don’t have enough money to get-"

"I know!" Phil snaps

"Phil, you have to-"

"Maybe I shouldn’t even get the surgery, it might not even work. Not worth it."

"Phil, you could die." Dan says quietly. 

"Yeah, well maybe that’s okay."

Their world seems to start to crumble then.

“What?”

"I hate this, Dan, waking up with panic attacks and unloading my problems on you and having to go on walks just for some sanity and no therapist or pills or anything ever seems to work and I’m just  _tired_. I hate this, I hate this, I just-“

"Whoa, take a deep breath."

"NO! I HATE THIS DAN, ALL THIS ANXIETY SHIT THAT JUST MESSES UP MY LIFE AND NOW THIS STUPID CANCER MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP ALREADY!"

"You…you’re not allowed to do that." Dan says, "You can’t just give up, I’m sure we can do something, we’ll wo-" 

"DON’T YOU DARE SAY WE’LL WORK IT OUT’ DAN!" Phil’s yelling at him, rage evident, "I’m so broken, Dan, you keep trying to get me fixed, when will it sink in? I’M BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR." 

"Phil, I just-"

"I don’t need this, Dan, just leave."

Dan doesn’t know what to say so he does.  

~

_I reached for you but you were gone_

_I knew I had to go back home_

_You searched the world for something else to make you feel like what we had_

_And in the end in wonderland we both went mad._

~

Dan still finds himself reaching for Phil in the dark of night, even though Phil’s long gone. He left the second he was discharged from the hospital. Phil stomped through their apartment ( _my apartment_  Dan has to keep reminding himself). The moving truck was in and out and then Phil disappeared along with it. 

Sometimes, Dan wonders if he’s gone a little mad. They had a perfect two years. Well, not perfect. But, when Dan remembers their time together, he likes to think it was almost perfect. 

He dreams of bright blue eyes and black hair. Sometimes, he swears he can smell the horrible stench of Phil’s hair dye but Phil never appears back with it. 

Phil’s mom calls a few weeks after Phil leaves, asking what happened. Dan would tell her if he himself knew. Maybe they both went a little mad. Phil sometimes accused Dan of only being with him out of pity. But it wasn’t that. 

Dan fell into Phil with broken pieces of heart and shards of hope. He fell into Phil’s life. Sure, maybe he tired to piece back Phil together, so he would be happy. Dan tried. Maybe Phil just didn’t want to be helped. Or maybe Dan didn’t try hard enough. Either thought makes Dan’s heart ache. 

He and Phil seemed to create their own world, their own place, a warmth that rose in Dan’s chest when Phil curled into him at night. 

Together they made their own wonderland. 

And now it had all fallen apart. 

~

_We found wonderland_

_You and I got lost in it (wonderland)_

_And life was never worse but never better_

_In wonderland._


End file.
